The Boyfriends' Guide To Chair
by The Very Last Valkyrie
Summary: In a vain attempt at a birthday present, I attempt to make Chuck and Blair user friendly for even the most teen drama fearing among us. Failing that, it's also good for a laugh and contains someone named Audrey Creamhorn.


_**This is a birthday present for my friend A, who has the most Bassian boyfriend ever - seriously, dapper style and everything - and who despairs constantly over the fact that he cannot seem to understand our love for Chuck and Blair, or even who they are. A, hopefully this should help. E, do try and attend...  
>No hating on the pairing, please. This is a gift and a bit of fun, and it should be treated as such.<br>Enjoy.  
><strong>_

* * *

><p><strong>The Boyfriends' Guide To Chair<br>**_not specific to boyfriends, friends, or in fact boys  
><em>

_**Season One**_

**Chuck:** Hello, girl I only half see as a sex object.  
><strong>Blair:<strong> Hello, significant friend of my significant other.  
><strong>Chuck's libido (hereafter known as Don Carlos <em>or<em> DC):** We subconsciously wish we could tap that.  
><strong>Chuck:<strong> Sucks for us.

_Then..._

**Blair:** Because I am feeling flush and you have double-dog-dared me to do so, I shall now climb onto this stage and take my clothes off.  
><strong>DC:<strong> Was she always that hot?  
><strong>Chuck:<strong> Yes.  
><strong>DC:<strong> Did we know we've always kind of had a crush on her?  
><strong>Chuck:<strong> Nope.

**Blair:** Did we know that our strange new freedom would cause us to suddenly find him desirable?  
><strong>Blair's morality (hereafter known as Audrey Creamhorn <em>or<em> AC):** We did not.  
><strong>Blair:<strong> I care not. May he take my virginity in a breathtaking old movie style scene anyway.

_Later..._

**Chuck:** I like you.  
><strong>Blair:<strong> Bite me.  
><strong>Chuck:<strong> I bring gifts.  
><strong>Blair:<strong> Take me, I'm yours.

_The next few episodes..._

**Chuck/Blair/DC:** Secret sex is fun!  
><strong>AC:<strong> DON'T YOU WANT TO MARRY A VANDERBILT?  
><strong>Blair:<strong> Actually, yes.  
><strong>Chuck:<strong>_ *destroys her life out of jealousy*_  
><strong>Chuck's heart (an unknown entity until very recently, hereafter known as CH):<strong> Way to go, asshat.  
><strong>Chuck:<strong> Where the Hell did you come from?

_So..._

**Blair:** _*fixes life*  
><em>**Chuck:** _*infiltrates her life*  
><em>**Blair/CH: **We love sincere speeches veiling an apology being made about us!  
><strong>Chuck:<strong> Me - you = bad. Me + you = heart emoticons.  
><strong>Blair:<strong> Heart emoticon x 99.

**Chuck's dad Bart (not entirely evil, but still semi-heartless):** A girlfriend will make you whipped.  
><strong>Chuck:<strong> Me + Blair + Tuscany = BAD IDEA.  
><strong>Blair:<strong> Me + helipad - Chuck = REVENGE TIME.

_**~#~**_

**_Season Two_**

**Chuck's heart:** It's apology time!  
><strong>Audrey Creamhorn:<strong> Sorry, we're seeing someone else now. We hate you...unless you can admit you love us.  
><strong>Don Carlos:<strong> Hell to the no!  
><strong>Chuck:<strong> Can _you_ say it?  
><strong>Blair:<strong> Irrelevant!

_The rest of the season..._

**Blair:** You say it!  
><strong>Chuck:<strong> You say it!  
><strong>Blair:<strong> I said it!  
><strong>Chuck:<strong> I said it to other people about you!

_Until..._

**Chuck/CH:** We say it.  
><strong>BlairAC:** _*is carnival grade happy*_

_**~#~**_

_**Season Three**_

**Chuck:** I sabotage you.  
><strong>Blair:<strong> I sabotage you back.  
><strong>Chuck:<strong> I love you.  
><strong>Blair:<strong> I love you back.**  
>Chuck:<strong> Sabotage!  
><strong>Blair:<strong> Sabotage back!  
><strong>Chuck:<strong> Love!  
><strong>Blair:<strong> Love back!**  
>Chuck:<strong> Sabotage too far!  
><strong>Blair:<strong> No more love!  
><strong>Chuck:<strong> Overflow of love!  
><strong>Blair:<strong> ...  
><strong>Don Carlos:<strong> Accidental deflowering!  
><strong>Audrey Creamhorn:<strong> ...and we're gone.

_**~#~**_

_**Season Four**_

**Chuck/Don Carlos/Chuck's heart:** We got shot - all of us!  
><strong>BlairAudrey Creamhorn:** Stop skulking round Paris with that French girl from _Harry Potter_ and come home with us.  
><strong>ChuckDC/CH:** But we hurt you!  
><strong>BlairAC:** But at least we didn't get shot.

_Then..._

**Blair:** _*destroys Fleur Delacour because of her - cough - non-existent - cough - feelings for Chuck*  
><em>**Chuck:** This means war, biatch.  
><strong>Blair:<strong> Uh-oh.

_So..._

**Chuck:** Sabotage, sabotage, sabotage!  
><strong>Blair:<strong> Sabotage!  
><strong>Chuck:<strong> Super hyper evil sabotage!_  
><em>**Blair:** _*is sad*  
><em>**Chuck:** I'm sorry. Here, let me take your hand to prove that I - QUASI-ORGASM FROM TOUCHING YOUR BARE FLESH!  
><strong>Blair:<strong> Leave. Quickly.  
><strong>Chuck:<strong> Peace treaty with no touching clause?  
><strong>Blair:<strong> Peace treaty with no touching clause.

_But..._

**Blair:** More sabotage?  
><strong>Chuck:<strong> I find your lack of faith disturbing, friend.  
><strong>Blair:<strong> I am not your friend.  
><strong>Chuck:<strong> Let us cement our non-friendship by doing it on this piano.  
><strong>Blair:<strong> Suits me.  
><strong>DC:<strong> And then let us continue to have hot hate sex for ages afterwards all while denying our feelings for each other!  
><strong>AC:<strong> But we love you!  
><strong>CH:<strong> We love you too!  
><strong>Blair:<strong> But I have to work on me for a while so I'm not just an extension of you.  
><strong>Chuck:<strong> I have never been more confused.

_And for several more (very boring) episodes..._

**Blair:** I'm ready for you!  
><strong>Chuck:<strong> I'm not.  
><strong>Blair:<strong> Not ready.  
><strong>Chuck:<strong> Ready!  
><strong>Blair:<strong> Oh look, a prince.  
><strong>Prince Stalker (so-called because he followed this poor woman all the way to New York City from gay Paris):<strong> Marriage me!  
><strong>Blair:<strong> Oui!

_Things do pick up a bit..._

**Russell McBaldhead (evil businessman, blames Chuck because his daughter doesn't love him):** I'm climbing up yo' fire escape, I'm snatching up the love of yo' life...  
><strong>Blair:<strong> I am still torn between Chuck and that other one.  
><strong>Russell:<strong> Don't mind me, I just want to burn you alive.  
><strong>Chuck:<strong> Has anyone seen the love of my - does anyone smell burning?

_**If you don't get it by now, you never will.  
><strong>_


End file.
